Here Speeching American

by Jack Pillemer

English today is an international language for travelers. Shops, restaurants and hotels have to translate signs and notices into English to attract tourists. These translations, when incorrect, often cause the native English speaker to smile.

Outside a laundry in Rome there is a sign which says: "Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time." In Sweden there is a furrier (a shop that makes clothes from animal fur) which also tries to attract women customers. There is a notice on the window which says: “Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin." In a Norwegian cocktail bar "ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.”A Hong Kong tailor invites women into his shop so that he can take their exact measurements in order to make them dresses that fit perfectly. The sign on his door says: "Ladies may have a fit upstairs."

Hotels are wonderful places to find amusing signs. In an elevator in a Parisian hotel, you, the tourist, are reminded to “Please, leave your values at the front desk." In Bucharest, the elevator does not work and the hotel apologizes to the guests for the inconvenience by saying: "The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable." In a hotel in Athens: "Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9.00 and 11.00 a.m. daily." The hotel can't be a very good one.

English speakers didn't visit Moscow much during the communist regime and it’s not surprising. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a monastery, tourists are told: "You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday. The Soviet press also advertised: "A Moscow exhibition of arts by more than 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years."

It is always very comforting when buying in a foreign country to know that the shop assistants speak English. This was obvious to two shop owners in Majorca who put up signs to tell the tourist that English was spoken there. The one said: "Here speeching American" while the other sign said: "English well talking."

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